What have I done?

I realize that some of you are following this again, so I will try to be a little bit more regular in my postings.

In a recent blog about my discernment process I referred parenthetically to anguish and self-examination. These are certainly not mutually exclusive and I will probably leave them as generalized parenthetical categorical nouns for a time. Having endured anguish leaves me unwilling to mine it for precisely articulated renderings in a blog.

However, I can, at least, begin to sketch some of the continuing questions. Yesterday, the reality of this decision hit home again (as it has in the past). But, yesterday, it hit AFTER the community had voted to accept my petition. So, yesterday, it was a really deep awareness that these particular guys are the ones I will be living (and probably dying) with. WHAT HAVE I DONE????!!!!!!!

It passes. Any decision I have ever made brings up opposing reaction within days of being made. So, here is one.

Then the awareness of "these particular guys" shifts. From a perspective that is colored by "these particular idiots" to one that takes on more of a hint of "these particular friends" or "these particular nice guys" or "these particular intriguing guys" or -- well, you get the picture. So much of making a decision is a process of examining perspective -- and the perspective shifts -- and shifts again -- so I end up with a kaleidoscope that, in the long run, has some rather attractive designs I can see.